bre_brutal

 why are ppl 'anti-social'? everyone says i'm the most narcissitc person they know. is it soo bad i like to b by myself most of the time?
am i weird just because i would rather read a book, or do laundry then go to a party?
i am perfectly fine being alone, i understand myself, but no one understands me. i have exactly 1 friend! do i care? no. becus i'd rather have 1 good friend then a bagillion fake friends, i also have social anxiety, to the point where i wouldn't leave the house for over 8 months strait -no lie-
my dad has no problem with stating how he feels about me, what i last remember was that i'm a failure, never going to make it in life, i'm a selfish bitch, & why don't i just do everyone a favor & slit my throat. 
i constatly get compared to my cousins, for example: "Dusty always got strait A's , why can't you?" etc. etc.. 
my dad is so blind, to the point where it pisses me off! i'm so sick of hearing "Oh you're really going to eat that?" "Geez, you eat allot"
etc...... it goes on. 
yeah i don't weigh 8O lbs anymore, i gained weight, because of depression. that doesn't mean i don't have an ed.
FUCK ppl are so fucking dumb. 
i do cut. becuz it realeses my pain. i get relief outta it... 
bleeh, we live & then we die . thats how i see it.

I' ve had this on my mind lately... & woundered If anyone felt the same..? 
All these movies about ED'S that aren't supposed to be "pro ana" but there suppose to show you the reality of an eating disorder right?
& to show you this is something you don't want to have. But the funny thing Is whenever I have watched one, or seeing someone just "puke" triggers me, I get a weird urge to just b/p. Does this happen to any of you? 
They think there helping "prevent" ED'S from happening yet there creating them...
When I was 11 I saw this show called "starved" It was about like 4 people 1 girl who never ate & compulsive exercised. One guy who was a compulsive eater, a bulimic, and I'm not sure what the other guy was. But I hadn't really paid attention Silly me thought It was a diet
But does that make me a "wannarexic" no. I look back at It now & relise I did It because my life was slowly but surely falling apart.
My mom & dad got divorced when I was just born, I finally relised It was for the best tho because they can't even be In the same room with out fighting. My mom moved allot. And when I was 12 she left me with out any note for 2 yrs and then just popped up one day... 
When I saw that show, I thought they had "control" & I thought I can b like them. I can have control.. But It ended up to b a complete LIE.

 HEIGHT: 5'6
CW: 120
LW: 95
HW: 126
1GW: 110
2GW: 96

I've been really depressed lately.. Nomatter what, even when i don't eat for days i'm still not happy i dont know what to do nemore.
I'm hoping i can just get back on track from being in this community, because it seems everytime i do eat, i binge =( 
I got out of treatment a month ago, it was a living HELL . But now i'm back like always so please i'd <3 to hear from you!